This is the tendency to prioritize others at the EXPENSE of our desires, needs or feelings. Being polite, kind or generous isn't what we're getting at; these are basics of healthy relating. It only gets ugly when we forget that we are (also) the people we should be pleasing in this life. When you people please, you do so at the cost of celebrating your own passions, sense of worth and even your identity. We all know the feeling of going along with the crowd, sacrificing for the greater good or putting our needs second. But after a while, it starts to feel like we've lost ourselves. Shapeshifting helps us to accommodate to new contexts or people, but it can leave us empty and unsatisfied. I meet people in the clinic who feared saying what they wanted through DECADES of marriage, for example, because they didn't want to rock the boat. By the time they come for counseling, they've suffered enough and seek practical tools to change their people pleasing behavior and begin to communicate their authentic needs and desires. Sound familiar? Here are some basic tips that can help you, starting today:
1. Practice Saying "No!" Practice this in low-risk situations, so when you're in a high-stakes or intimate one, you've already developed this muscle. A truism in the field is that your "no" strengthens your "yes;" Put otherwise, if you don't stand for anything, what do you fall for?
2. Become the expert in what YOU want and need! Take a workshop, invest in some counseling, prioritize self-understanding;
3. Study your patterns: When do you struggle to express your needs? Are you avoiding conflict by people pleasing, at the expense of your own happiness? When did this all start?
4. When in doubt, pause and do a check-in with your body: A somatic (mind-body) approach invites us to pay attention to how this all feels, not just what we think about it. For example, when someone asks me to do something that I'm not 100% sure makes sense for me, I pause - even if I have to ask for time - and do a full body scan and use that information (racing or calm heartbeat, sweating, nervous shaking or calm muscle tone) as a guide to help me understand what I really want.
Photo by Mary Winchester on Unsplash
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