Yeah, I saw the Barbie movie. And, yeah, I cried. Why? No matter how feminist, conscious, body-positive or healthy I am, I still compare my body to Barbie-proportions and find mine inferior. Every. Damn. Day.
Why does this matter? For one thing, body shame keeps intimacy at a distance. I was so ashamed of my body for years after pregnancy that I refused to have sex with the lights on. Sex is one of those things you can do with your clothes off, and it really embarrassed me to take my clothes off. If I’m honest, it still does. Now, if a genie appeared to me and offered to magically change my body into any shape, I’d have Barbie’s body. Barbie’s body isn’t better than mine, isn’t more deserving of pleasure, of touch, of celebration. But it’s a hardened cultural image of what beauty and attractiveness “should” look like. And, as I’ve learned over the years, as I tell my clients, “should” denies what “is.”
Does this resonate? If so, what to do?
1. OWN IT: First things first, admit it. If my description of Barbie-body envy resonates with you, own it. Admit that no matter how woke, how progressive or body-positive you are, when it comes to your own looks, you’re a judgy bitch.
2. MIRROR WORK: I’ve adopted a practice from the world of conscious sexuality in which I stand in front of a mirror and appreciate all the parts of my body that I LOVE. Note what is, what works and take time to praise your beautiful parts. Intimacy, first and foremost with ourselves, is about being seen AS WE ARE.
3. LET IT ALL HANG OUT: If you have partners, stand in front of them and let them love you. Full stop. Ask your partners what they like about your body, and have them focus there for a little. Ask for loving attention to those parts about which you feel shame. This is true for scars, “defects,” or other areas that hold pain for us. Have your partner place a gentle hand there, or give it a kiss, and remind you that this is part of you. And that they love you. Repeat as necessary. That’s intimacy, and it heals.
4. FOCUS ON ALL THE SENSES: If you’re hung up on the way your body looks naked, close your eyes (or get a blindfold!). Focus on other sensations - touch, smell, taste, sound - and let those judgy eyes rest.
5. GET INSPIRED: Start consuming images of real beauty; advertising and mainstream media don’t offer enough diversity in body types, so get your eyes on some images that do: nude art, documentary photography and independent film, etc.
Image: This Barbie meme, inspired by the Venus of Willendorf (Google it!), cleverly reminds us that body image ideals change over time!
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